23rd th July.

How do you tell a friend their film sucks? It’s something I’ve had to do repeatedly over the years and often the fallout can be quite upsetting. My infamous incident was being under-whelmed by Shaun of the Dead even though director Edgar Wright and star Simon Pegg had gone out of their way to ensure I visited the location and got me to appear as a zombie extra. Yes, I know I’m the only person in the world who didn’t like it, but I have to be honest when it comes to my job as a critic. It’s only recently that Edgar and I have kissed and made up mainly because it’s all such old news now. But I purposely didn’t go and see Hot Fuzz because I didn’t want to put myself in a similar position. Their brand of humour clearly isn’t mine so it was best to avoid any further confrontation. My views on Shaun of the Dead nearly lost FrightFest it’s preview screening, so it wasn’t easy sticking to my guns rather than proclaiming the usual “Darling, it was wonderful’ line.

The only time Dario Argento and I fell out and didn’t speak to each other for two years was over Phenomena. I saw the film at its Los Angeles premiere in the American Film Market. Dario was waiting outside for my opinion and I honestly didn’t know what to say to him. He was anxious anyway because it was such an early screening and this is often another problem. People see their expected commercial hopes fading fast in the light of such negative reaction. When I covered the shooting of The Third Mother in Turin last year, Dario took me out to dinner and mentioned this incident for the first time. “But that was okay, Alan”, he said. “You loved Opera when no one else did and I now see that as one of my best films even though I hated it back then”. My relationship with Russell Mulcahy suffered after I reviewed Highlander II very badly too. We still speak but it has never been the same since. Do I care? Yes, but mainly no. One’s integrity has to remain intact, especially in this volatile business.

So far I haven’t had to tell Chris Smith or Neil Marshall that I haven’t liked their films, while Adam Mason is under no illusion over what I think about his. But Adam actually has the best ‘so what?’ approach and always handles my jibing with good humour. The Devil’s Chair has just landed a prestigious slot in the Midnight Madness strand of the all-important Toronto Film Festival so some people do like his work. (That’s the reason we aren’t showing it at FrightFest by the way. A Toronto World Premiere is a bigger deal than us). For ages I couldn’t tell my good friend John Fallon (Arrow in the Head) that I found his Painkiller amateur hour in the extreme. When I finally did, he took it well, and fell back on that old stand-by “Well I knew the film wouldn’t be for everyone”. Saw II extra Fallon is now starring opposite Famke Janssen in Eric Red’s 100 Feet, a sort of Disturbia riff, so I’m hoping he turns in a good performance I can actually praise for once.

But it can be a real friendship tester when you have to be brutally frank and tell people you love where you stand on their work. Nacho Cerda hasn’t spoken to me since I slagged off The Abandoned. How a talented director could make such a useless movie is beyond me. I haven’t told Severance star Andy Nyman yet that I thought his new movie, Frank Oz’ Death at a Funeral, wasn’t remotely funny. So Andy, if you’re reading this, sorry. I might have stared at the screen in stony silence, but the guy in the row in front laughed like a drain so it’s the humour thing again. Even Paul (“I like everything by friends) McEvoy had to change his tune when he saw Jake West’s Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes recently. For sometimes you can’t lie, you have to bite the bullet and tell the straightforward truth. Because they know deep down the reality and I do feel they think less of you if you aren’t completely upfront and sincere.

I had a conversation with Spanish director Pedro Almodovar about this issue once. We were talking about the best ways of couching hidden criticisms in bland phrases. My favourites were “Good just isn’t the word” and “Well, I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything quite like it”. His were, “It’s so fresh, so different!” and “Darling, you’ve gone and done it again!” I love Almodovar! Another good device is to simply pull the plot apart without mentioning any of the talent. In these days of instant Internet reviews where the excitement of just seeing something first is often the driving force, that is often the thrust. And why I never trust anything written on the Ain’t it Cool’s of this cyber-world.

My best friend, scriptwriter Keith Williams, always offered this advice: Even if you hate something made by a friend, always start out mentioning the positive aspect(s) before moving in for the kill. And it works too. The Third Mother and Footballer’s Wives sex symbol Cristian Solimeno recently asked me to attend a preview of his directing debut This Is What It Is, a tale of romantic angst, football and boozing. Nothing in the film connected with me at all, but I could see it had an audience. And this is what I told him when he asked for my opinion. I’m always wary of people asking me to tell them what I really think because so often they don’t want that at all. They want you to be kind and not bruise their egos. But honestly has to be the best policy because what else is there?

Until next time…