WATERMEN - **

Directed by Matt L. Lockhart. Starring Jason Mewes, Richard Riehle, Tara Heston, and Floyd Abel. Horror, US, cert 15.

Released in UK on DVD on the 20 April 2012, RRP £12.99.

This Bgrade slasher utilises the hook wielding, oilcloth clad killer fisherman from 90s camp classic I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER but without the same air of loopy enthusiasm. If THE HILLS HAVE EYES was set on a fishing boat rather than redneck isolation, the result would be THE WATERMEN.

A gang of supposedly good looking teens, described by the publicity notes as "hot, rich young things" lead by the rich Trailor (Jason Mewes from DOGMA), head off on a sea trip. Their plans for flirting and drinking start to go wrong when a fish creel contains what seems to be a human arm. From here, their yacht conks out - making it of course instantly a good idea to have lengthy showers to further deplete their limited water supply - and the daytrippers are captured by the seafaring “Watermen”. These are the obligatory type who communicate in the whitetrash mumble that would need subtitles if they didn't snarl anything more complex than: "Bitches, y'all are fishfood!”

From here, the holiday takes a turn for the worse for the teens but a lot better for the fishermen, who suddenly no longer need to visit the bait shop. Finally, the bloodstained penny drops and one of the “hot, rich young things” stutters in horror: “Dude, these people are…choppin' people up…and usin’ them for bait!

The movie succeeds as a seafaring slasher in that all female characters are subjected to obligatory shower scenes, graphic rape and sexual torture, while the male characters not only remain unscathed, but their hair continues to look good.

There are some entertainingly-bad continuity errors (unconscious characters manage to hold their breath underwater to avoid drowning) to go with the uninspired dialogue which generally revolves around variations of wailing: “Who are these people?” and “I don’t want to die!” The “script supervisor” was presumably fishing rather than writing.

The film is humourless, and not particularly frightening. The one known name, Mewes, hardly puts in an appearance throughout, despite repeating his tried-and-trusted shtick of the “mouthy horndog” who was funny in DOGMA but unoriginal now, and his supporting crew, especially Tara Heston as Diane, deserve a better lead.

The final showdown, where the fishermen and “hot young thing” attack each other with lighted torches, is inventive, and the last two minutes are entertainingly explosive. Writer and director Lockhart works his hardest, not just supplying the (fairly good) soundtrack but appearing as an extra – a hick in the bait shop - but he can’t make up for the fact that his cast were hired for their shiny hair and teeth rather than their acting ability, meaning the human cast are unfortunately out-acted by the piscine extras.

Buy the soundtrack instead of the movie; and if you want a smart, creepy seafaring horror with some strong females, see GHOST SHIP (2002) instead.

Nina Romain

GORE IN THE STORE
REVIEWS BY FANS FOR FANS
5 STAR FAB - 1 STAR RUBBISH