Journey to Promethea - *

Directed by Dan Garcia. Starring Billy Zane, Sam Murphy, Jessica Heap, Louis Hertham, Scott Schwartz. Fantasy, US, cert 15.

Released on UK DVD on the 9th May by 4Digital

The evil King Laypach (Zane in a plastic crown and bad wig) has subjugated the Semilion people and executed their great hero Draden. You know the King is evil because he is always surrounded by a harem of bikini clad babes, despite the 15 certificate he doesn't actually do anything with them, but their presence is enough to signify E.V.I.L. All seems lost but as is the way in these things there is a prophecy that a Semilion boy will rise up against the King and his army, the boy will possess the light of warrior Draden in his eyes. The King is told that he must prevent this boy from meeting Draden's daughter and gaining the dead warrior's mystical sword.

Unfortunately the boy of destiny Magnus turns out to be a feckless poetry spouting div. This may be a cunning ploy to throw the King's minions of his scent, if so it appears to be working as Laypach has concentrated on finding Magnus’ better looking, more toned, and combat ready brother and throwing him in a dungeon instead. Magnus is fortunate to fall under the wing of a world weary warrior Ari, a former member of the King's guard with a violent and tragic past. Ari trains the foolish Magnus in basic combat.

Meanwhile the beautiful Princess Aria (daughter of Draden) and her merry band of glamorous female models, er *cough* warriors are also wandering around the same square mile of woods seeking to find Magnus, fulfill the prophecy and dethrone the king whilst being super careful not to chip their nail varnish.

During all this Laypach drinks mead and broods.

JOURNEY TO PROMETHEA looks like it has been shot on a cheap US medieval theme park, the costumes are fashioned from the ancient fabric of polyester, frilly cuffs mean bad guys, and the peasants are scrubbed and well fed. Everyone adopts an accent that requires them to flatten any vowel sounds in what is presumably intended to be an English accent. Yay verily, doode.

This is utter tripe, full of appalling acting, with a useless script and no action, magic, dragons, or anything particularly fun. The production values are so low that it makes HAWK THE SLAYER look like CONAN THE BARBARIAN. There are endless scenes of boring dialogue in prison cells where bad actors describe great action scenes, but clearly there was no budget or skill available to actually film any. What action scenes there are in this movie, showcase some of the most feeble fight choreography seen since you and your mates decided to re-enact KRULL in the school playground with towels for capes and tree branches for swords (or maybe that was just me). Oh, did I mention there is a yellow dwarf who sounds like he smokes 60 Capstan full strength? Well there is.

Quite how this feeble, bloodless, example fantasy farrago has attracted a 15 certificate for “strong violence and gore” is quite beyond me, although it is possible I nodded off during the grue. I dunno what the budget on this was, but it looks like it was around the amount spent on catering a single episode of XENA. You really can't do fantasy on this much of a shoestring, GAME OF THRONES this is not. Richard Street.

GORE IN THE STORE
REVIEWS BY FANS FOR FANS
5 STAR FAB - 1 STAR RUBBISH