Directed David Campion and Ben Simpson. Stars: Chloe Van Harding, Josh Golga, Anthony Abuah, Jonathan Hansler. UK, horror, 83 mins, cert 18.

Released in the UK on DVD by Crabtree Films on the 28th of March. £12.99.

PATROL MEN opens with some promise, a semi-naked girl is menaced whilst asleep by a knife wilding man in a mask. It’s a creepy if generic scene, shot in a strange foggy monochrome that gives it a surreal edge. It leads one to expect a slasher film, but this quickly goes off in a different direction.

Set on an island community called Peyton, the plot centres on two teenage friends, Alex (Chloe Van Harding) and Jess (Josh Golga). Alex is a Payton native, Jess an outsider, his leather jacket an unwelcome symbol of independence and a belief in personal freedom. Peyton - which we are repeatedly told is isolated, but which looks like a perfectly normal British middle class community - is under a curfew enforced by the sinister Patrol Men who are minions of Mayor Yorke (Jonathan Hansler in a performance that could be regarded as quite large).

Jess thinks the curfew ridiculous, Alex explains that some years ago a young man named Marcus Day killed his sister in her sleep and has never been caught. This is the justification for the restrictions. Not unreasonably Jess thinks this is a less than satisfying reason for an entire community to scuttle home to their houses before dark every night. However staying out all night smoking cigarettes in an act of defiance proves to be an unwise way to show his contempt, as the next day he’s nowhere to be found. The Mayor claims Jess has been murdered by Marcus Day.

Unwilling to accept the Mayor’s explanation Alex resolves to investigate further. A major part of her investigative process seems to consist of lying on her bed with headphones on listening to awful acoustic indie-schmindie music (did the producer’s friend have a band? I think so). Alex visits Okkie, a black car mechanic living outside of town, to talk to his grandfather who is some sort of seer. Grandfather turns out to be an old bearded white man in a vest, who constantly pukes blood into a bucket. Why? No idea.

Alex also has a conversation on a beach with the disembodied voice of the now presumably dead Jess. Some people might see this as a sign of potential mental illness, a suspicion compounded by the blank way Alex reacts to any external stimulus. More likely it could be bad acting.

Late in the film an official turns up from the mainland to ask the Mayor why none of Peyton’s school children apply to university. Investigating he meets a jolly blonde school teacher, she asks him “did you know one of my students was murdered last week by a mythological killer who has stalked the island for the last 30 years?” He doesn’t look surprised. They kiss. It doesn’t end well.

None of this makes any sense. Why does this community accept the curfew? Who are the Patrol Men? Why has the mainland government allowed this community to exist with no police force? If Marcus Day is indeed a “mythological” threat, why does the film open with him murdering his sister? Actually that last one is easy, it gave them an excuse to show some skin.

Even at 84 minutes this is extremely tedious. The plot rambles aimlessly around, randomly introducing new characters and information. Very little actually happens. The Patrol Men who ought to be scary barely feature in the film until the last third, thus they bring less tension or dread when they appear than a traffic warden. Their regimented black boiler suit and gas mask look has either been borrowed from Shane Meadow’s DEAD MAN’S SHOES or from a Slipknot tribute band. Scares are absent throughout, the film occasionally resorting to a loud music stab to try and wake up the audience. It also looks absolutely horrible. Pointlessly presented in scope framing, this has clearly been shot on cheap digital video equipment and every scene is smeary and ugly. The sound mix is equally cheap and nasty, with audible wind noise in one scene.

Despite carrying a BBFC 18 certificate, the film has barely any gore or violence and has earned it with the opening scene’s sexualised menace alone.

Stuart Barr.

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