Directed by Paul Ziller. Starring Misha Collins, Hill Harper, Torri Higginson. Sci-fi fantasy thriller , US/UK, 111m, cert 15.

Out Now.

Why is it that we movie-goers like nothing better than a good old apocalypse? The sheer number of films dedicated to this topic (Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow, 2012 to name but a few) is testament to the fact that we seem to get a vicarious kick out of watching mankind being threatened with extinction. Whatever the reason for this, it’s clear that Armageddon equals big box-office business - and with 2012 just around the corner, what more appropriate time for yet another end-of-the-world flick?

So here we have Stonehenge Apocalypse. No, it’s not the name of a hirsute death metal group but in fact the title of a new sci-fi fantasy thriller from the good folks at Anchor Bay Entertainment. Now, I know what you’re thinking - what on Earth is the correlation between Stonehenge and the Apocalypse, I hear you cry? Well I’m glad you asked, as all shall be made clear soon enough.

Stonehenge is of course one of the world’s greatest mysteries. Over the years, the monument has been subject to a multiplicity of theories regarding its purpose - with some people believing that it was created as an astronomical observatory, whilst others claim that it was conceived as a burial site.

As it turns out, all these various explanations are way off the mark. If we’re to believe the premise of Stonehenge Apocalypse, the ancient structure is actually the key part of a massive alien terraforming machine! Bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Things kick off promisingly enough - a group of tourists, enjoying a guided tour around Stonehenge, find their happy holidays cut short when, all of a sudden, the stones start moving of their own accord. This would be disconcerting enough in itself, but then the stones fire out bolts of energy, vaporising the unfortunate tourists.

As it happens, it’s not only in the UK that things are going more than a little awry. In fact Stonehenge is connected to a number of other historical sites around the world, and the electromagnetic emissions from the stones are causing catastrophic events to unfold in these places too. The military steels itself to try and rein it Stonehenge’s destructive force, with the assistance of disgraced scientist turned conspiracy theorist Jacob Glaser.

So what is there to say about Stonehenge Apocalypse? Well, I know they say that one should never judge a book by its cover, but the title of this flick alone was enough to put me on red alert - and unfortunately my initial apprehension turned out to be entirely justified. There really is very little to appreciate here. Sure, some of the science-fiction elements may appeal to those who are that way inclined, but it’s all very simplistic and, well… rather naff.

The acting in Stonehenge Apocalypse is, in itself, not too bad, but any vestiges of decent performances are wholly obscured by some truly terrible dialogue. Indeed, the script is so bad at points that it’s bound to provide a chuckle or two, but regrettably things never err into “so bad it’s good” territory. What we’re left with is a deeply mediocre movie that fails to please on any level.

The extras on this disc include a run-of-the-mill Behind the Scenes featurette that is noteworthy for showcasing perhaps more than the usual degree of backslapping amongst cast and crew. I know it’s customary in such featurettes for the “talent” to praise one another to high heaven, but really - can they truly believe that they’ve achieved great things here? So much hyperbole is spouted in reference to the film’s director that it made me want to take off my shoe and hurl it at the screen in indignance.

If 2012 does indeed prove to be the year that the world comes to an end, I’ll be mighty pissed that I wasted ninety-odd of my remaining minutes on Earth watching this crap!

Ewan Cant.

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