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Directed by Takao Nakano. Starring Sora Aoi, Mari Sukurai, Minoru Torihada, Io Aikawa, Saori Ando. Genre : Horror / Zombie, Running time : 73 mins, Cert : 18

Release Date 11th October 2010

If you’re being really picky and fancy giving Trading Standards authorities a fresh challenge, you might wish to take serious issue with the title BIG TITS ZOMBIE given the fact that something akin to AVERAGE SIZED TITS ZOMBIE or the more subtle NICE TITS ZOMBIE would be more appropriate. If you are at all connected with the estate of the greatest Spaghetti western filmmaker of all time, you might also be horrified by the fact that the movie bearing this title opens with a quote from the great Sergio Leone. Gulp.

With a running time that only barely qualifies as a feature film and a director whose best known previous work was 2004’s SEXUAL PARASITE : KILLER PUSSY (exactly what you’d expect), BIG TITS ZOMBIE is a brazen exploitation movie that’s roughly on a par with, let’s say, ZOMBIE STRIPPERS. Which means it’s not very good but breezes through its gleefully cheap silliness with enough chutzpah to almost make for a modestly entertaining time-waster on a very slow night. Almost.

Peopled with adult movie stars and making intermittent use of gimmicky, crappy 3-D (characters, including zombies, don the glasses just in case we didn’t get the hint from the icon in the top left of the screen), the movie is narrated by gorgeous exotic dancer Lena. She’s desperate for money so takes up a dancing job with a notorious sleaze ball and stays at a place referred to as “Texas in Japan”. She and a bunch of other girls are sent to a secret “porno spa” resort where they uncover a library of occult books, including a 16th century Book of the Dead. You’ll know where it goes next.

The 3-D - including 3-D catfights and 3-D zombie sushi and 3-D tits, all of which sound more exciting than they really are - is totally ineffectual, just like the ridiculous CG blood splatter that never looks like it actually belongs in the scenes it has been superimposed over. The flippant jokes about lecherous hobos, sumo wrestlers, men in general - note the entire audience of strip club zombies, barely a leap from the regular audience - and (inevitably) self-harming are seldom genuinely funny. And we could have done without the self-conscious references to other zombie movies, including a scene in which a girl gets punched out when talking about the Vietnam subtext in NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. Though, to be fair, that should be the usual reaction if you’re ever in a social situation where someone starts rambling on in such a fashion.

It’s cheap on every level, with sub-par cartoonish gore gags, Corman-like cost-cutting (its main zombie set piece is shown twice!) and the worst volcano FX in cinema history. Any moments of peril are thwarted by lines like “Damn zombies, don’t get the car dirty!” and the sleaze potential of the title is not fulfilled by the tame reality of the movie itself.

Nonetheless, for all its essential uselessness, there’s something mildly likeable about BIG TITS ZOMBIE. It scores an extra star for continuing its director’s fixation on mutated female genitalia, so kudos to the zombie lady with a monster pussy that turns into a flame thrower. And if you came to this flick to see tacky 3-D zombie tongues, phallic tendrils and lingering close-ups of bare boobs, your low expectations will be met. As will those of anyone with a passing interest in hot Japanese girls in knee-high boots and short skirts wielding chainsaws. Which, come to think of it, covers a solid percentage of the human percentage.

Steven West.

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