GORE IN THE STORE
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Directed by Steve Lawson. Starring Craig Fairbrass, Billy Murray, Dexter Fletcher, Lisa McAllister, Stephen Berkoff, Jason Flemying. Horror, UK, 92 mins, cert 18.

Released in UK on DVD by Momentum on the 27th September, £15.99.

Freddie Frankham (British DTV action star Fairbrass) is a small time London gangster trying to go legit by opening Paradise - a “classy” lap-dancing club. Freddie has been bankrolling his move into respectable society by betting on illegal bare knuckle fights. On the opening night of the new club, Freddie’s shady brother-in-law Eddie (Fletcher) introduces him to Romanian businessman Dante Livienko (Murray). Livienko wants to buy Frankham out and take over the club to serve as a base of operations for his drug empire. Naturally the offer is rebuffed and Dante told to sling his hook. But Livienko offers a wager, his best fighter against Freddie’s, if he wins Livienko will pay him a million pounds, if he loses he must hand over the deeds to Paradise.

What the gangsters don’t realize is that the fight is rigged, as the Romanians are actually vampires. We know this because local nutter Kenneth (Berkoff) pops up to explain that Dante is a 500-year-old vampire overlord who fled London during the Great Fire. Paradise stands on the site of a former Black Church and the vampires want it back.

The scene is set for a bloody clash of genres, Brit hard men vs. fangs.

Oh if only. Featuring no sympathetic characters – it’s a moot point whether vampires or gangsters are the most evil, at least vampires have the excuse that they have no souls – Dead Cert takes ages to get going. It’s about 50 minutes before any vampire action of particular note and when the anticipated nightclub bloodbath kicks off it is woefully anemic. The film has an 18 certificate; I can only explain this as being due to the fruity Mockney dialogue, as the “strong, bloody violence” is anything but. The scariest thing in Dead Cert is the jumper Berkoff is wearing in a flashback scene. An average first season episode of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER would kick this film up and down the mean streets of Borough Market.

Added to poor action scenes, are other signs of a threadbare budget. The Paradise nightclub where most of the action takes place is clearly a cavernous warehouse into which the available extras rattle around like buttons in a Pearly Queen’s sewing tin. In fact the club is so deserted on opening night that you would think that Freddie would jump at the chance to sell it. And there are surely enough pole dancers in London that they could have hired some convincing ones. The film’s lighting also deserves comment. It is truly dreadful. Action scenes are drenched in red light so that the blood is invisible and when it is visible it’s purple. Finally, if you are inclined to buy or rent this because of Danny Dyer’s face on the boxart, it is only fair to forewarn you that he is in the film for a single line.

It gives me no great pleasure to give a British horror film a kicking in Gore In The Store, but this is an object lesson on the importance of scaling a production to fit the available resources (both financial and artistic). The failure of Dead Cert is a shame, as a return to the gothic in British horror would make for a welcome change of pace from the grim seam of social realism currently being mined.

On a side note, what is it with vampires and nightclubs anyway? Why don’t we ever see a vampire decide to stay in, order a takeaway and watch Britain’s Next Top Model? I tell you what, it would make for more exciting viewing than this.

Extras include a trailer, making of, and a commentary track featuring actors Craig Fairbrass, Billy Murray and Lisa McAllister, and the films producer Jonathan Sothcott.

Stuart Barr.

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