THE CRITIC-AL LIST
5 STAR FAB - 1 STAR RUBBISH

The Crazies
Case 39
The Wolfman
Legion
The Lovely Bones
Black Death
Daybreakers
Avatar
The Stepfather
Ninja Assassin
The Descent: Part 2
Amer
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
The Box
2012
Disney's A Christmas Carol
The Horseman
Solomon Kane
Pandorum
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
District 9
An Education
G.I. Joe: The Rise Of The Cobra
Orphan
A Perfect Getaway
The Imaginarium Of
Doctor Parnassus
Up
Harry Potter
And The Half-Blood Prince
The Taking of Pelham 123
Transformers
The Revenge Of The Fallen
Antichrist
Terminator Salvation
Last House On The Left
Inglorious Basterds
Angels & Demons
Adventureland
Star Trek
Crank: High Voltage
Coraline
Dragonball Evolution
Let The Right One In
Drag Me To Hell
Race to Witch Mountain
Knowing
Monsters Vs. Aliens
Not Quite Hollywood
Lesbian Vampire Killers
Martyrs
The Children
Surveillance
Watchmen
The Unborn
The International
Friday The 13th
Franklyn
Push
Punisher:War Zone
The Uninvited
Amusement
The Good The Bad And
The Weird
Hush
Underworld
The RIse OF The Lycans
My Bloody Valentine
Bolt
Slumdog Millionaire

Directed by James Wong. Starring Justin Chatwin, Chow Yun Fat, Emmy Rossum, James Marsters, Ernie Hudson, Texas Battle, Eriko, Ian Whyte and Jon Valera. Fantasy, USA, 84 min. Web Site.

The original graphic novel series appeared in Japan in 1984 and went on to become a worldwide phenomenon with more than 150 million volumes sold and successfully spinning off into countless anime features, TV series and videogames. So what do we get from good old 20th Century Fox a quarter of a century later?

Perhaps the shoddiest load of old dragonballs since ERAGON shamelessly ripped off STAR WARS. It’s impossible to divine from director James (FINAL DESTINATION 1 & 3) Wong’s bland and simplistic live-action DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION why what’s considered the greatest Japanese Manga franchise of all time ever became such a popular multi-media platform marvel. For stripped to its condensed down plot basics this blend of THE KARATE KID, THE WIZARD OF OZ and SUPERMAN via Bruce Lee contains nothing we haven’t seen a million times before in countless other puerile fantasy clinkers. The story is pretty ropey: geeky Goku (mid-twenties Justin Chatwin in an epic piece of miscasting) is taught martial arts skills by his grandfather so he’ll be able to protect the Earth from the evil Lord Piccolo on his soon-to-come18th birthday. Piccolo is searching for seven hidden dragonballs to unleash a powerful force that will cause apocalypse now. Goku and his ever-growing team of near-future warriors (POSEIDON’s Emmy Rossum, SPEED RACER’s Joon Park, once-fantastic Asian superstar Chow Yun-Fat) must stop him. But will Goku get too distracted by sexy classmate Chi Chi (SAMURAI GIRL’s Jamie Chung), especially when she’s turned into a wicked clone, and put saving the universe in jeopardy?  The main problem with DRAGONBALL is simple. Literalizing the anime look in live terms just doesn’t translate well: the resulting bad wigs, unconvincing make-ups (Marsters looks like one of those old V miniseries lizards!), cheesy dialogue (“The first rule is there are no rules”) and cheap special effects (the naff exploding rock finale startlingly reminiscent of THE NEVER ENDING STORY) underlining its two-dimensional origins. Ten-year-old boys may buy the pile-up of one cliché after another, the colourful cartoon action geared around spheres of light vapour, the faux Jedi mysticism and Yun-Fat’s annoyingly inane wackiness.

But anyone outside the DRAGONBALL universe will hardly know this movie blip ever existed and those up to speed on creator Akira Toriyama’s characterization and artistic terrain will just be mortifyingly disappointed.

Alan Jones

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