THE CRITIC-AL LIST
Reviews by Alan Jones
5 STAR FAB - 1 STAR RUBBISH

The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Inception
Predators
The Twilight Saga:Eclipse
Toy Story 3
Hot Tub Time Machine
Iron Man 2
Repo Men
The Collector
Clash of the Titans
Shelter
How To Train Your Dragon
Kick-Ass
Shutter Island
Alice In Wonderland
The Crazies
Case 39
The Wolfman
Legion
The Lovely Bones
Black Death
Daybreakers
Avatar
Ninja Assassin
The Descent: Part 2
Amer
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
The Box
2012
Disney's A Christmas Carol
The Horseman
Solomon Kane
Pandorum
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
District 9
An Education
G.I. Joe: The Rise Of The Cobra
Orphan
A Perfect Getaway
The Imaginarium Of
Doctor Parnassus
Up
Harry Potter
And The Half-Blood Prince
The Taking of Pelham 123
Transformers
The Revenge Of The Fallen
Antichrist
Terminator Salvation
Last House On The Left
Inglorious Basterds
Angels & Demons
Adventureland
Star Trek
Crank: High Voltage
Coraline
Dragonball Evolution
Let The Right One In
Drag Me To Hell
Race to Witch Mountain
Knowing
Monsters Vs. Aliens
Not Quite Hollywood
Lesbian Vampire Killers
Martyrs
The Children
Surveillance
Watchmen
The Unborn
The International
Friday The 13th
Franklyn
Push
Punisher:War Zone
The Good The Bad And
The Weird
Hush
Underworld
The Rise OF The Lycans
My Bloody Valentine
Bolt
Slumdog Millionaire

Directed by James McTeigue. Starring SJi-hoon "Rain" Jung, Rick Yune and Naomie Harris. Action. USA, 99 minutes.

Remember the days when the Wachowski Brothers seemed like the cutting edge future of New Hollywood? Boy how MATRIX times change.

Teaming up again with head Dark Castle honcho Joel Silver and their V FOR VENDETTA director James McTeigue, the unholy alliance has now produced this fantastically rubbish ninja nasty. Harking back to the second American wave of martial arts movies in the aftermath of Bruce Lee’s death, championed by Chuck Norris and Cannon Films (the clues are right there!), but using all the tricks of today’s CGI trade, NINJA ASSASSIN couldn’t be more predictable or formula if it tried. That’s the problem as it hardly ever does try. There’s no real story as such except Berlin Europol agent Mika Coretti (Naomie Harris) uncovering the centuries old Ozunu Clan of almost supernaturally super-trained ninjas who hire themselves out as government mercenaries to kill political enemies. Said governments do not want this underground network of Far East killers traced so they put a price on her head. That’s when clan renegade Raizo (Korean pop star Rain, seen in SPEED RACER and I’M A CYBORG BUT THAT’S OK), pissed off with the gruelling schooling and fact Lord Ozunu (Sho Kosugi) ordered the death of his one true love, moves into shadowy action to protect her. All the battles are ultra gory, limbs and torsos are severed with regularity, the unconvincing CGI blood splattering everywhere. But murkily filmed and edited to within an inch of their lives, they prove difficult to follow, the result being you just stare at the screen registering nil reaction as the frenetic imagery keeps exploding haphazardly all over the shop. With Raizo’s flashbacks to the sadistic ninja training feeling like anime renditions from KUNG FU PANDA, and Harris’ presence summoning up far better 28 DAYS LATER stalking memories, McTeigue’s enervated manga comes across like a bad version of the almost story identical CRYING FREEMAN (1995). True, McTeigue makes Berlin look spectacular, especially in one stormy rooftop set piece, and his iconic use of veteran Ninja star Sho Kosugi as Ozunu adds a bit of historical cinematic weight to the tired proceedings.

But with too many unintentional laughs to be had en route thanks to Rain’s po-faced posing, and exploitive ridiculousness increasing as it wends its way to a mountain HQ stand-off, it’s not so much ENTER THE NINJA as will the last one leaving please turn on the lights so we could see what’s actually going on.

ALAN JONES

© London FrightFest Ltd. 2000-2009
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