THE CRITIC-AL LIST
Reviews by Alan Jones
5 STAR FAB - 1 STAR RUBBISH

Salt
The Expendables
The Last Airbender
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Inception
Predators
The Twilight Saga:Eclipse
Toy Story 3
Hot Tub Time Machine
Iron Man 2
Repo Men
The Collector
Clash of the Titans
Shelter
How To Train Your Dragon
Kick-Ass
Shutter Island
Alice In Wonderland
The Crazies
Case 39
The Wolfman
Legion
The Lovely Bones
Black Death
Daybreakers
Avatar
Ninja Assassin
The Descent: Part 2
Amer
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
The Box
2012
Disney's A Christmas Carol
The Horseman
Solomon Kane
Pandorum
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
District 9
An Education
G.I. Joe: The Rise Of The Cobra
Orphan
A Perfect Getaway
The Imaginarium Of
Doctor Parnassus
Up
Harry Potter
And The Half-Blood Prince
The Taking of Pelham 123
Transformers
The Revenge Of The Fallen
Antichrist
Terminator Salvation
Last House On The Left
Inglorious Basterds
Angels & Demons
Adventureland
Star Trek
Crank: High Voltage
Coraline
Dragonball Evolution
Let The Right One In
Drag Me To Hell
Race to Witch Mountain
Knowing
Monsters Vs. Aliens
Not Quite Hollywood
Lesbian Vampire Killers
Martyrs
The Children
Surveillance
Watchmen
The Unborn
The International
Friday The 13th
Franklyn
Push
Punisher:War Zone
The Good The Bad And
The Weird
Hush
Underworld
The Rise OF The Lycans
My Bloody Valentine
Bolt
Slumdog Millionaire

Directed by Jennifer Chambers Lynch. Starring Julia Ormond, Bill Pullman, Pell James, Ryan Simpkins, French Stewart, Kent Harper, Michael Ironside. Thriller USA, 150 min. Web Site

On the fantasy festival circuit for nearly a year now, Jennifer 'Chambers' (get her!) Lynch’s SURVEILLANCE won Best Film at Sitges last October. Like many press in attendance at the Maria Award ceremony, I booed this choice because a) it’s a very ho-hum art-house sub-par thriller, b) it isn’t a fantasy. So imagine my surprise when Official Jury Member Umberto Lenzi (director of CANNIBAL FEROX no less) took us dissenters to task and vehemently slagged us off at the awards press conference saying it was the best kind of fantasy because, “It showed just how corrupt America has become and what a police state the country now is”. No wonder he also helmed PARANOIA! Actually the title of his giallo SPASMO came more to mind when he said all this, I wonder why? FrightFest saw SURVEILLANCE last Cannes and we all agreed it shouldn’t be included in the August 2008 line-up. Why? Because it was preposterously over-acted by Bill Pullman and Julia Ormond, and if anyone else other than (executive producer) David’s daughter had directed this laughably dumb NATURAL BORN KILLERS riff, it would have quickly been dismissed as CSI: Ordinary. Basically two FBI agents arrive at a remote desert police station to question the three witnesses of a bloody highway slaughter. Can any of their statements be trusted though especially as they seem to give evidence that dangerous killers are on the loose? Also their testimonies barely adhere to any semblance of reality. Oh well that’s what happens if you trust corrupt cops, a drug addict and a little girl. Between flashbacks, colour saturated gimmickry, dodgy CCTV footage and obvious swerves, the BOXING HELENA director tries to form a blackly comic puzzle out of the loosest jigsaw pieces. She fails dismally mainly because only conventional critics would see the main twist as ‘clever’, the more savvy genre enthusiast will see it coming within five minutes of the overlong movie starting. Nowhere near as smart as it thinks it is, SUREVILLANCE will have you giggling in disbelief before boredom inexorably sets in. Suddenly Julia Ormond is everywhere again after the first effort to foist her off on a not-so-gullible public as the Next Big Thing. What with this, CHE, BENJAMIN BUTTON and her ongoing CSI role, it seems she’s back. Clearly her sense of smell over what’s a stinker and what isn’t though hasn’t improved since SMILLA’S SENSE OF SNOW! 

Alan Jones

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