GORE IN THE STORE
REVIEWS BY FANS FOR FANS
5 STAR FAB - 1 STAR RUBBISH

The Hole
Outcast
Outcast
(Second Opinion)
Choose
Resident Evil: Afterlife
Mirrors 2
Puppet Master - Axis of Evil
Deadly Crossing
Death Race 2
The Last Exorcism
The Last Exorcism
(Second Opinion)
The Expendables
The Chatroom
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Splice
Peeping Tom - Re-issue
A Town Called Panic
A Nightmare On Elm Street
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed 2
Night of the Demons
Lawnmower Man (Blu-ray)
Siege of the Dead
Psych 9
Big Tits Zombie
Exquisite Corpse
The Collector
The Collector
(Second Opinion)
The Tortured
Zombies of Mass Destruction
Tears For Sale
Higanjima: Escape From
Vampire Island
I Spit On YOur Grave (1978)
Twelve (XII)
Dead Cert
[REC] 2
Mother
Killer Pad
Rin – Daughters of Mnemosyne
Death Tube
Death Tube
(Second Opinion)
7 Days
Death Note
Beyond The Rave
Hunter Prey
7th Dimension
Army of the Dead
Splintered
Basement
Meat Grinder
14 Blades
Manson Girl
The Blackout
The Torment
The Torment
(Second Opinion)
Hierro
Psycho - Blu-Ray
Pet Shop of Horrors
Kaiji:
The Ultimate Gambler
Shelter
Fullmetal Alchemist:
Brotherhood Part 1
The Final
Bubba Ho Tep - Blu-Ray
Picnic at Hanging Rock
Vampire
The Dead
Resurrecting
The Street Walker
The Haunting Of
Molly Hartley
Soul Eater: Part One
Rozen Maiden:
Traumend Vol. One
Bikini Girls On Ice
Diary of a Bad Lad
Satan's Baby Doll
Feast 111
Phobia
A Lizard in a Woman's Skin
Valhalla Rising
City of the Living Dead
Dorothy
Daybreakers
Daybreakers
(Second Opinion)
Harpoon: The Reykjavik Whale
Watching Massacre
Harpoon:The Reykjavik Whale
Watching Massacre
(Second Opinion)
Feast 3:The Happy Finnish
Raging Phoenix
His Name Was Jason
Left Bank
Ju-On: White Ghost/White Ghost
Spiral
Ghost Machine
Stag Night
Bitch Slap
The Descent 2
The Descent 2-Second opinion
Dance of The Dead
Henry Lee Lucas: Serial Killer
House Of The Devil
The Twilight Saga
New Moon
Salvage
Salvage-Second opinion
Dread
The Haunted World of
El Superbeasto
Saw VI
The Horseman
Triangle-Second opinion
Triangle
Cabin Fever 2-Third opinion
Cabin Fever 2-Second opinion
Cabin Fever 2
Stan Helsing
Pandorum
Pandorum-Second opinion
Open Graves
Paranormal Activity
Growth
Growth-Second opinion
Train
Antichrist
Wrong Turn 3
Coffin Rock
Orphan
Sorority Row
Drag Me to Hell
Staunton Hill
Summer Moon
Driftwood
Messengers 2

 

Directed Directed by Sylvester Stallone. Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Dolph Lundgren, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Trejo, Charisma Carpenter. Action. USA, 103 mins.

Cannon fodder. The memory of tacky mid-Eighties action adventures from that low-rent Goran-Globus company loom large over Sylvester Stallone’s latest screen reinvention. This time not of his signature ROCKY or RAMBO personas, but of the very macho genre he exemplified in such pot-boilers as COBRA and OVER THE TOP.

If you got off on those early ACTION JACKSON types of testosterone-fuelled melodramas starring Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal or Jean Claude van Damme (three people who strangely don’t appear in this celeb hero celebration), then the Italian Stallion’s recreation of that bygone era with unfunny one-liners, lunatic death-defying thrills and shabby visual effects is definitely one for you. Those who would have liked more ironies in the fire will shake their heads in disappointment that even as vague parody THE EXPENDABLES doesn’t work. It’s okay up to a point, but that point is quickly reached once the truly hilarious Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger cameos are out of the way. It’s Willis (playing the mysterious Church) who offers Barney Ross (Stallone) and his band of merry mercenaries (Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews) a job no one else is willing to take. The mission: to overthrow General Gaza (DEXTER star David Zayas), murderous dictator of the Mexican gulf country Vilena, who is fronting a drug smuggling operation for rogue ex-CIA operative James Monroe (Eric Roberts, on lip-smackingly nasty form). After a recon trip to see the lay of the land and waste a few armies, where Barney gets the hots for the general’s double agent daughter Sandra (Giselle Itie), the band of brothers return to cause further endless explosive havoc and CGI blood-spurting mayhem in the effort to free the native people from tin-pot tyranny. Tough guy Steve Austin plays Monroe’s killing-machine bodyguard while wrestler Mickey Rourke (giving the best performance) is a former Expendable-turned-tattoo artist whose parlour is used by the dirty half-dozen as their unofficial HQ.

Co-written by Stallone and David Callaham (of DOOM infamy), THE EXPENDABLES – or more truthfully EXPANDABLES because of the older stars’ waistlines – treads water despite covering the bases of preposterous brute force and muscular bombast. But who really cares when righteous retribution is all that drives this over-killed cartoon-style mythology, awash with straight-up violence and easy catharsis.  Many won’t in what is modishly being described as SEX AND THE CITY for guys, a male guilty pleasure in designer combat fatigues rejoicing in the lame-brained ham-fisted fare of AN EYE FOR AN EYE yester-year. 

Alan Jones

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