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The Horror! The Horror! - 14th June 2010

Right, so the first part of our little ‘experiment’ didn’t turn out as I’d hoped – no one really bit other than a very brief discussion as to the major behavioural problems with horror audiences. Fair enough, maybe I’m the only one who tends to over-analyse this stuff – perhaps there’s nothing wrong with a modern audience other than their adaptation to the current climate – maybe this is the only way we can react to the stuff on screen.

However if anyone tells me there’s nothing wrong with our cinemas, I’ll scream.

Seriously, when did the cinema stop being a venue of art just like an art gallery or a theatre or a museum or even a concert hall and turn into the combined extension of our living room, the pub and a playground.

Let’s forget the teenagers for a second. I know we can complain about their phones, their incessant comments and so on and so forth but for me that’s just an easy target. No, let’s take a look at all at those that should bloody well know better.

Now, who did not like the ‘Empire’ last year as a venue? I loved it. It was well kept and properly staffed from where I was standing – I’ve been going to The Empire for quite a few years now and not for only public screenings but also galas, premieres and press screenings. They always seem to be fairly well-organised and ready.

But you know what? The Empire is an exception. It shouldn’t be. It should be the rule. But if I was to count the number of cinemas that come through in the west end there’d be only two: The Empire and Curzon Soho. (please not I’m excluding Prince Charles because I still count it as a repertory place – which in my book deserves a different set of rules)

The worst offender is the Cineworld in Shaftesbury Avenue – with each passing day the cinema becomes more and more like something out of 42nd street – the hustlers and the street-walkers can’t be far behind.

Each screen has some speaker issues, the floors are sticky and by God , the smell pervading their toilets are so bad one can barely afford to breather. But by God it is one of your only options if you want to watch stuff in the West End. Ditto Vue. Especially with the jacked up ticket prices. And same goes for Odeon Leicester Square, West End and Mezzazine, too.

When the venues have become so substandard, I suppose it’s not surprise our treatment of them goes down as well. If you look at the theatres in the west end , the management are relentlessly particular in how the place is kept and what kind of atmosphere is projected.

But the fault also lies with the advent of the home cinema – the idea of the cinema being a destination for an outing has become weaker and weaker – considering the quality of the projectors and the sound systems on the market right now; people consider the cinema a lot less as a magical, magnificent place.

And the moment that happens, the moment the cinema becomes an extension of your home, the attitude towards it changes: if anyone spoke or took out their phone in the theatre or the opera the audience would react strongly – in the cinema , no one does.

I am one of those people who refuse to believe that you can’t not turn off your bleeding phone for the duration of a film. Not silent. Not vibrate. Just turned off.

If you have an occasion so important that you need to keep checking your phone – then you should probably stay at home or nearer to that occasion. There are no excuses. None.
Before the advent of mobile phones, you’d not have this luxury of keeping up with e-mails or Facebook or anything else. And I refuse to accept that a person cannot be separated from the news stream for 2 hours.

If that’s the case, if you refuse to be separated – then do us both a favour, stay at home. Same goes for the idiots who need to explain the movie to each other DURING the movie. Stay at home.

Yes, please gasp when you’re shocked at something on the screen. Laugh to your hearts’ content (but not at creepy things – that just makes you weird.) Whisper ‘Oh My God’ at something unexpected. Nudge your friend gently once if the twist is outrageous. If the room claps, feel free.

But don’t, for the love of God, keep a running commentary. Don’t, for the love of everything that’s holy, check your goddamn blackberry every five minutes.

Because 90 % of the time no one’ll complain. But then you’ll run into someone like me who’ll do things with your blackberry you haven’t even thought of. Seriously.

So, dear forumites, how do you feel about the state of our cinemas? Whose fault is the decline? Us? Them? Distributors? Even?

I wait with bated breath for all your responses.

Until the next time...

Evrim Ersoy.