THE CRITIC-AL LIST
Reviews by Alan Jones
5 STAR FAB - 1 STAR RUBBISH

The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Inception
Predators
The Twilight Saga:Eclipse
Toy Story 3
Hot Tub Time Machine
Iron Man 2
Repo Men
The Collector
Clash of the Titans
Shelter
How To Train Your Dragon
Kick-Ass
Shutter Island
Alice In Wonderland
The Crazies
Case 39
The Wolfman
Legion
The Lovely Bones
Black Death
Daybreakers
Avatar
Ninja Assassin
The Descent: Part 2
Amer
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
The Box
2012
Disney's A Christmas Carol
The Horseman
Solomon Kane
Pandorum
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
District 9
An Education
G.I. Joe: The Rise Of The Cobra
Orphan
A Perfect Getaway
The Imaginarium Of
Doctor Parnassus
Up
Harry Potter
And The Half-Blood Prince
The Taking of Pelham 123
Transformers
The Revenge Of The Fallen
Antichrist
Terminator Salvation
Last House On The Left
Inglorious Basterds
Angels & Demons
Adventureland
Star Trek
Crank: High Voltage
Coraline
Dragonball Evolution
Let The Right One In
Drag Me To Hell
Race to Witch Mountain
Knowing
Monsters Vs. Aliens
Not Quite Hollywood
Lesbian Vampire Killers
Martyrs
The Children
Surveillance
Watchmen
The Unborn
The International
Friday The 13th
Franklyn
Push
Punisher:War Zone
The Good The Bad And
The Weird
Hush
Underworld
The Rise OF The Lycans
My Bloody Valentine
Bolt
Slumdog Millionaire

Directed by Chris Weitz. Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Chaske Spencer, Bronson Pelletier, Alex Meraz, Kiowa Gordon and Tyson Houseman. Action/Adventure. USA, 130 minutes.

Out on DVD & Blu-ray on 22nd March 2010. RRP: £9.99. BUY NOW

Nothing much happens in the dull and long-winded sequel to TWILIGHT. Showing every sign of being the  ‘middle’ film in the quadrilogy, director Chris Weitz’ run of the Mills and Boon melodrama marks ponderous time in the romantic shenanigans between mortal Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and her vampire love Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). 

The problem the filmmakers had with this sequel is Stephenie Meyer’s bestseller sidelined Edward for much of the narrative. For he’s left Bella after her 18th birthday in order to protect her. But as she mopes around ticking off the seasons to a soft-rock soundtrack, she realizes she can summon his image whenever she puts herself in ludicrous jeopardy. So whether joining the local Hells Angels faction or diving off high cliffs, Edward appears in a wisp of smoke to dissuade her acting so recklessly at various junctures throughout the tediousness. Then there’s her growing relationship with old childhood friend Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). But this fright-wigged buff member of the mysterious American Indian Quileute tribe has his own supernatural secret. He turns into a dodgy CGI werewolf along with his pack of stripped-to-the-waist buddies resembling those Dolce & Gabbana ads featuring continental sports stars in their underwear. The very over-used ‘Romeo and Juliet’ motif comes to the fore yet again when Jacob implies Bella is dead to Edward spurring him to seek an audience with the Volturi, the vampire mob led by Aro (a very camp Michael Sheen), with the power to end his lonely life. Will Bella get to the Volturi’s Italian home base in time to stop Edward melting in the sunlight? Will anything ever make proper sense – just bite Bella for pity’s sake Edward and put us all out of the anguished misery! Will Jacob ever put his top back on? Will mainstream audiences put up with the marriage proposal cliffhanger climax? Does it matter when the teenage girly audience NEW MOON is squarely aimed at will lap up every surreptitious glance, arch swoon and interrupted kiss? Yes, actually. For this saga to have any legs at all the non-fan brigade must be allowed to enter the sanitized scenario and care about the fates of the emo star-crossed lovers. That’s the fatal error Weitz makes who, to paraphrase one of the key lines of dialogue, isn’t “Good with weird” at all. With poor pacing issues, excruciatingly long dialogue scenes painfully over-extending their welcome and the lack of dynamism in the few action scene there are, franchise threatening Weitz strikes again. He’s the only horror contained in these bloodless and rather sexless antics. Once more Kristen Stewart rises to the occasion despite stupid motivation in the poorly constructed plot. Stewart brings great soul and sincerity to her character who could simply be seen as absurdly self-indulgent. At least she and Pattinson still have the connection on screen together, whereas she and Lautner share no chemistry at all which makes the middle NEW MOON section sag more than ever.

Basically a Bette Davis tearjerker from the 1940s tarted up with a few supernatural trappings, the fun and finesse of TWILIGHT is sorely missing. Here’s hoping ECLIPSE and BREAKING DAWN will rediscover those important elements.

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