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5 STAR FAB - 1 STAR RUBBISH

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Directed by David Goyer. Starring Gary Oldman, Odette Yustman and Cam Gigandet. Horror, USA, 87 min. Web Site

So now FrightFest Glasgow is out of the way...I Don’t Want To Be Unborn. Trust writer David S. Goyer (his BATMAN scripts clearly lucky accidents), who directed the awful BLADE: TRINITY and THE INVISIBLE, to combine THE DYBBUK (1937) with THE EXORCIST (1973) in the hope they are now so old no one will notice.  But horror fans have long memories, even those who go and see the current crop of toothless Hollywood drivel to shake their heads at how dull and tame the conveyer belt mainstream has now become.  Because all those well-worn exorcism conventions are given a very hollow Jewish superstition spin in Goyer’s unintentionally goofy possession horror filtered through over-used Asian RING/GRUDGE imagery. For the evil Kaballah spirit (can you see Madonna standing in line?) looking to feed on the fear of home alone Chicago student Odette (CLOVERFIELD) Yustman through nightmare mirror visions and eventually inhabit her body is a dybbuk, a soul in limbo after being denied entrance to heaven. Brought into the world via Nazi genetic experimentation on her twin ancestors (the Auschwitz concentration camp connections one example of Goyer’s appalling bad taste), it’s left to bored-looking Rabbi Gary Oldman (in a please pay my mobile phone bill cameo) to expunge it and halt the family curse in a pathetic crash-bang finale. Monstrous apparitions include prosthetic faces featuring only teeth (GHOST STORY anyone?), crab-walking pensioners (more deleted scene EXORCIST) and dogs with CGI altered upside down heads. But, as usual in this mumbo Jumby (see the film to get that reference), the few naff jolts on offer mainly come down to sudden loud noises on the soundtrack after long periods of silence. Cam (TWILIGHT) Gigandet plays Yustman’s boyfriend and his major scene has him constantly banging his head against a brick wall. Something everyone involved with this deadly dull enterprise seems to be doing. Mind you there’s something quite gratifying over the fact that Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes first original feature is just as rancid as the company’s lazy remakes. Laughable and tedious, THE UNBORN is a stillborn scare affair.

Alan Jones

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